50 Issues That I, a Feminist, Am More Worried About Than Bernie Mitten Memes

“Was it [the popularity of the Bernie mitten memes] sexism and racism, the Bernie Bros once again failing to acknowledge the subversive messages expressed in the fashion choices of glass-ceiling shattering women?” – Naomi Klein, for The Intercept

  1. I still seem to be expected to wear a bra every day, even though I have seen many, many archival videos of bra burnings.
  2. Facebook targets ads at me based on gender stereotypes.
  3. I love the condescending, stereotypically gendered ads Facebook targets at me and often make purchases after clicking on them.
  4. 92% of all homicides are committed by men.
  5. I literally go to Facebook only for the targeted ads.
  6. Even though 92% of homicides are committed by men, half the suspects in Clue are women, which is sexist.
  7. I’m now preemptively stressed about how I’ll feel if they ever make 92% of the suspects in Clue men, because that is also sexist.
  8. Every time I finally donate an old sweater I haven’t worn in years, I desperately want to wear it like three days later.
  9. Bridgerton tried to sell me on the idea that 60-second-long heterosexual sex is hot.
  10. Bridgerton successfully convinced me 60-second-long heterosexual sex is hot.
  11. I received a coupon from a women’s clothing store that said “30% off everything! (exclusions apply).” They think women don’t know what the word “everything” means?
  12. I bought Gwynneth Paltrow’s vagina candle and it didn’t explode, not one bit.
  13. I got mad at my husband for failing to provide hot, 60-second-long sex, and also for failing to be the Duke.
  14. Bridgerton tried to convince me that the pull-out method works.
  15. An alarming number of Planned Parenthood protestors also believe the pull-out method works. 
  16. My spouse is never going to be a Duke, and even worse, he never refills the Brita. 
  17. So many people think that Brita refilling is not a feminist issue, forgetting what Mary Wollstonecraft said: “It is justice, not charity, that is wanting in the world!” And also maybe they’re not applying those words to Brita-refilling labor, as Wollstonecraft intended us to.
  18. So many men still don’t understand what consent means.
  19. That woman in Bridgerton also didn’t understand what consent means.
  20. Those mittens Bernie wore are actually kinda cute and can you buy them on the interweb?
  21. Bernie overshadowed Amanda Gorman at the Inauguration by simply being an old white man sitting in a chair. 
  22. Fine, sometimes it is Bernie mitten memes I’m worried about.
  23. How many more Bernie memes are people going to do? It was funny at first, but it’s soooo played out. Oh, wait, I just thought of a fun one, though–
  24. Sex ed in this country is so inadequate and focuses more on STDs than actual pleasure.
  25. You know what, the sex ed presentations at my high school were actually quite focused on pleasure and they were… unnerving.
  26. Like, what if I made a meme with Bernie inside that snow globe from the series finale of–what was that show? 30 Rock did an homage to it in their finale…it’s on the tip of my tongue…oh, now that’s going to bug me.
  27. I want so much more than just to have fun, yet “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” is an irresistible empowerment anthem.
  28. I really wish I hated the song “Baby It’s Cold Outside” more than I actually do.
  29. People think moms don’t get jokes. Dads get all the jokes and also all the jobs writing the jokes. All we get are wildly high-waisted jeans.
  30. People seem to think it’s not just moms but women in general who are not funny. Which just doesn’t make sense. Women are 800% funnier than men. Or some high percentage funnier than men–I don’t know, math’s not really my thing. 
  31. The invisible labor of domestic management.
  32. A man has had both legal and fiscal control over Britney Spears’ life for more than 12 years. 
  33. A whole ton of scary anti-choicers have lifetime appointments to our Supreme Court. Young ones, who will be around for a long, long time. 
  34. My sexist four-year-old insists that T-Rexes are all boys, even though scientists think the females were considerably larger and did most of the hunting, Kaedyn! You’ll never get into Pleasant Pines Country Day School with this weak-ass grasp of basic STEM concepts!
  35. Rape culture. 
  36. Okay, I looked it up, and the show was St. Elsewhere, which I haven’t really watched. Would I look like a poser if I did a Bernie meme of it, when I’m not especially a fan? Of it or Bernie? I just think it would be fun to put him in that snow globe, like really tiny, so tiny you almost don’t see him.
  37. People often use the words “man” or “mankind” to refer to all humanity, as if men were the default gender or the genuine humans.
  38. When people say “people” and “humankind” instead of “man” and “mankind,” it’s like, whoa whoa whoa, men are the ones who caused all these problems, don’t pin that shit on me.
  39. The New York Times really fired a woman just for tweeting about being happy to have a new president.
  40. What if I stream all of St. Elsewhere tonight and then do the meme? 
  41. A year ago, I thought Tidying Up with Marie Kondo changed my life forever but I’ve been folding my jeans the ordinary way for eleven months and three weeks now.
  42. I hate the stereotype that women aren’t interested in sports, but not enough to show any interest in sports whatsoever.
  43. I really want to amplify women’s voices in the workplace but for real, Carol needs to stop putting the red “urgent” flag on every email.
  44. Anybody know a good recipe that’ll use up a big bag of those mini sweet peppers? Oh, sorry, wrong audience–I’ve got a lot of tabs open because of #31. 
  45. Flashers have innovated new creepiness by also letting their nose penises peep out the tops of their masks.
  46. The sex ed presentations at my high school were not conducted by the Duke from Bridgerton
  47. The new curvy Barbie somehow further eroded my sense of self-worth.
  48. Maybe I could Photoshop Bernie into Bridgerton. No one’s thought of that yet, I’m sure. 
  49. The state of Vermont has never elected a woman to either chamber of Congress. 
  50. I am not as good at Photoshop as I thought.

Talia Argondezzi has written for McSweeney’s, the Belladonna, Points in Case, and Slackjaw; teaches English and writing in Collegeville, Pennsylvania; and is correctly using semicolons in this sentence. Twitter: @TaliaArgondezzi

Katie Burgess lives in South Carolina and does improv with Alchemy Comedy Theater. Read more at http://katieburgess.fun
Twitter: @cupofstars

Catherine Weingarten is a playwright and humor writer based in NYC. SHe’s a bit too obsessed with wedding cake. Twitter: @sarahkaneissexy

Lindsay Hameroff is a humor writer and satirist. She lives in Harrisburg, PA with her husband and two kids. Her work has been published in Little Old Lady Comedy, Slackjaw, Points in Case, Weekly Humorist, Frazzled, and more. In her spare time, she can be found reading, cooking, wrangling children, or fantasizing about making brisket for Harry Styles. You can find her on Twitter @LindsayHameroff.

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