Popular Song Lyrics Adapted by Your Overly-Emotional Friend Who Just Got Cheated On

My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion

Near, far, wherever you are (or aren’t)

I believe that the heart does go on (except not yours, Jackson)

Once more, you open the door (for that slut Jenny from Accounting)

And you’re here in my heart (and there in her pants)

And my heart will go on and on (to rant about it to my therapist for the third time this week)

No Tears Left to Cry by Ariana Grande

Ain’t got no tears in my body

I ran out, but boy, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it (like I hate you Jackson)

Don’t matter how, what, where, who tries it

We out here stalkin’, we stalkin’, we stalkin’ (your new girlfriend Jenny on the internet, guzzling fluids to create more tears)

Cool by The Jonas Brothers

Lately, I’ve been feelin’ so backstabbed (backstabbed)

Top to the bottom, just backstabbed (backstabbed)

Every little thing that I do (do)

Dammit, I feel so backstabbed

It’s like, ooh (ooh)

Maybe I should bottle my tears (tears)

Sell ’em for a dollar or two (two)

Dammit, I’m feelin’ so backstabbed (backstabbed)

Never gonna give you up by Rick Astley

Never gonna give you up

Never gonna let you down

Never gonna run around and desert you (but I guess you never made such a promise)

Never gonna sleep with that slut Jenny from Accounting

Never gonna say goodbye

Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you (except all the times I lied about your narcotics problem to your parents)

It’s Raining Men by The Weather Girls

It’s raining tears! Hallelujah!

It’s raining tears! Amen!

I’m gonna go out to run and let myself get

Absolutely soaking wet with my own tears of anguish!

It’s raining tears! Hallelujah!

It’s raining tears! Every specimen!

Soft, loud, painful and sloppy

Rough and tough and strong and mean

Believe by Cher

Do you believe in life after love? (I no longer do)

I can feel something inside me say

I really don’t think you should’ve left me for her

Do you believe in life after love? (I most certainly don’t)

I can feel something inside me say

I really don’t think you’re strong enough now to withstand whatever revenge plot I enact

Billie Jean by Michael Jackson

Jenny from Accounting is not my lover (but she’s yours)

She’s just a girl who claims that you guys shared a special moment in the kitchen once

But the affair is not my fault

She says I am dramatic, but the affair is not my fault

Uptown girl by Billy Joel

Accounting girl

She’s been living in her Accounting world

I bet she’s never had someone else’s guy

I bet her momma never told her why

Jackson tried for an Accounting girl

She’s been living in her tax-bred world

As long as anyone with the stink of betrayal can

And now she’s looking for someone else’s man

That’s what he was

Fly Me to the Moon by Frank Sinatra 

Fly me to the therapist

Let me play among the antidepressants

Let me see what spring is like on

Prozac and Zoloft

In other words, ruin my life

In other words, baby, kill me

Love Story by Taylor Swift

We were both single when I first saw you (but were you Jackson? I’m questioning everything now)

I close my eyes and the flashback starts

I’m standin’ there

On a fire escape in summer air

See the lights, see the white claws, the jean shorts

See you make your way through the crowd

And say, “Sup girl”

Little did I know (you’d gut me and leave me for dead)

Hannah Benson is a comedian, artist and recruiter based in New York City. She enjoys having strong opinions about things and getting validation in the form of a room of laughs. When not writing, Hannah enjoys greeting dogs (and not their owners) on the street, speaking about her vegan lifestyle and shaming those who don’t do the same, making in-depth parodies of ‘The Bachelor’ and organizing every piece of kitchenware multiple times a day. She has performed standup comedy for the past five years, has had work featured in The Weekly Humorist and Robot Butt and makes fun of people she meets on the daily.

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