We Tried Giving These Women Charlize Theron’s Bowl Cut and, Spoiler Alert, They Do Not Look Good

Charlize Theron is someone who can rock all the most daring hairstyles, ones that make us normal women look like unfortunate little boys. Most recently in the film F9, we can see Charlize rocking the “Simple Jack.”

Charlize Theron (left) as “Cipher” in F9. Ben Stiller (right) as “Simple Jack” in Tropic Thunder.

I mean how??

It can’t just be bone structure, right? There has to be something else…maybe we’ve spent so much time as a society hating on bowl cuts that we never considered that they may be the ultimate way to increase our sex appeal?

Well. We tried.

I have chosen to conceal the identities of our subjects out of respect for their inclusion in this peer-reviewed study.

I guess we shouldn’t have doubled-down and shaved so many heads. Or technically, sides of heads. Or maybe I should have hired an actual beautician.

Yeah so. Turns out it is bone structure.Or maybe you have to be wealthy enough to always have someone tending to your mushroom, keeping it cute and fungus-like for the world to see and be deceivingly inspired by?

Wait, we did this experiment on children? And on picture day???

Okay, other celebrities are getting bow cut-curious as well…

You know what? After careful review of our study, it has come to my attention that no one, in fact, should get a bowl cut. Regardless of face attractive-levels, wealth and status, or the desire to prove our scientists wrong, the conclusion of this experiment is that this is not a haircut for anyone whose name is not Lloyd Christmas.

Be sure to look for our next study in CUT Journal of Cosmetology where we repeat this experiment but with looks inspired by Sean Penn in “Carlito’s Way.”  

F9, Universal Pictures
Tropic Thunder, Paramount Pictures and DreamWorks Pictures
thegunna19xx on Reddit
Seventeen Magazine

Dumb and Dumber, New Line Cinema

April Yanko is a writer and actor living in Los Angeles, but is originally a Yinzer from Pittsburgh. She is a lover of animation, reading, pasta, and her three cat sons. You can see more of April’s random crap at https://www.aprilyanko.com/ or on Instagram @post.march

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